My Modern Motherhood

Yup, that's me, riding the roller coaster that is motherhood.

I am a part-time stay at home mom and a part-time attorney. It is hard to strike a balance between the two. I usually feel like I am doing a half-arsed job at both. I am always tired, often stressed out, and eternally feeling like my head is barely above water.

Sometimes I think that achieving the whole "we can have it all too" modern woman things is just plain impossible. Then the other stubborn, overachiever side of me steps in and says, "Suck it up, Bethany." I worked hard to get all this damn education, so I figure, the least I can do is use it. Right? But man is it hard.

I struggle with switching from my mama pace of trying to be patient with a toddler who does EVERYTHING at his own pace and my attorney pace of deadlines, do it now, and do it faster. I am constantly second guessing myself as a mama and as an attorney. Maybe I should be staying home full-time. Maybe I should increase my hours at work. But, when it comes down to it, I don't want to do either of those things.

I enjoy working, even if it is a tough job. It is not like staying home with children is easy. It was hard when I stayed home with Ollie for the first nine months of his life and that was only one kid. Fortunately, I don't feel particularly guilty about working part-time. I think I would feel guilty working full-time, but part-time seems to be a good balance, at least on the surface.

The closer you look though, the more off balance and precarious it all seems. Take for example, all the things you have to do to get to work when you work part-time and your spouse works full-time. We have to pack bags for the kids for daycare (which is at Mylo's cousin's house and takes a significant amount of stress OUT of the equation), we have to pack our lunches, set out our clothes, set out the kids' clothes, pack our bags, get milk out of the freezer for Henry, get all the "pumping" gear ready. All of which we do the night before. It is a zoo. Then we both have to get ready in the morning, while juggling two kids, who are both early risers. Did I mention we leave the house by 7:15 a.m.?

I drop them off at daycare and Mylo picks them up. Work days go by in a blur. Then we have to manage to feed the whole family and get the kids to bed. No wonder I am exhausted. Plus, I am trying to maintain my milk supply in order to keep nursing Henry. I pump three times a day at work, but my freezer stash is getting a lot thinner than it used to be. Henry will suck down a ton of milk when he is getting it from the bottle. It stresses me out to not have a couple trays of frozen milk sitting in the deep freezer, so I am trying to build my stash back up. Let's just say, I will be happy to kick that pump to the curb once Henry is weaned. Although I have gotten quite proficient at typing one handed while pumping at work. It takes some skill.

I try to tell myself that this is just a phase. It will get easier. But really, I'm not convinced. I think it will just be different. Even when they are school aged, it will be crazy. Then there will be school bags to pack, lunches to pack, homework to do, extracurricular activities to chauffeur and coordinate. I suppose the chaos is here to stay. At least for the next 18 years or so. I guess I should just suck it up and get used to it.