My already thin patience was completely shot, Ollie watched way too much T.V. because he was sick and I didn't want to deal with his whining anymore. Nothing got done around the house. I started to clean several rooms, but couldn't finish before kiddos woke up from naps, making the already messy house even worse. Ollie's cold just kept getting worse - coughing, gunky, feverish. It was the sickest I have ever seen him. He was feeling so crappy, he was actually subdued - that is saying something. Mylo had to stay home so I could go to work because I had appointments I couldn't miss. Plus I had already committed to volunteer for a charity auction and dinner that night, so not only was I gone all day, but I was gone all evening too. Can you say guilt?
Then Mylo got sick too. He has been serious trooper though. We had a busy weekend planned - 5k run (Race for Education), trip to the pumpkin patch, yard work, family pictures. Ollie was starting to feel better by the weekend, which meant he was rather cranky and feisty since he finally had some energy. Besides a few minor breakdowns (which is completely normal on a good day), he was great for the run and pumpkin patch. Family pictures on Sunday were another story. Both boys had boogers and Henry seemed to be getting worse, but our pictures had already been rescheduled an account of bad weather, so we loaded our pockets with tissue and tried to make the best of it. Ollie was not very cooperative and it was frustrating. Plus I had a little breakout on my chin. Classic.
By Sunday night, Henry had a mean cough going and was wheezy. I think he has croup. Ollie never had croup, so this is new territory for me. It is heart breaking to see your baby sick. He is still in pretty good spirits, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that it is a mild case of croup. Needless to say, I slept like crap with a wheezy baby lying next to me all night. Today, I stayed home from work with the kiddos (I have a low key week at work, thankfully) and the next two days are my regular days off, so hopefully we will all be on the mend by then. I have managed to avoid the plague so far. Fingers crossed, knock on wood.
Basically, it was the perfect storm. After our family picture session, I was in a foul mood. Snappy, cranky, short with everyone. Anything and everything Ollie did annoyed the hell out of me. I lost my temper. Repeatedly. Felt like crap for losing my temper at my sick kid. Seriously, does it get any lower than that? Me thinks not.
I got really down on myself. I vented to Mylo that I seriously wondered why I had kids sometimes, when I am so clearly not the motherly type. My mood spiraled downward. Maybe I was duped by my biological desire to procreate. Duped twice. At this particular moment, the benefits didn't seem to outweigh the costs.
Just having these kind of thoughts made me feel like the worst mother on the planet. No one really talks about how really truly hard having children is. It is really, really hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. But, the best things in life are hard. I can't even imagine my life without my boys. They teach me things about myself I never could have learned otherwise, even if those lessons are difficult to learn. They are my opportunity to learn to be a little more self-less. To learn more patience. To learn more compassion. To appreciate the small stuff.
So today, I am resolved to pick myself up by the bootstraps. Be a little more patient. Appreciate the good things. Realize that my life is pretty amazing. That my boys are pretty amazing. That I am a good mom. That some days (weeks) are harder than others and even in the hard days (weeks), there are good moments.
6 comments:
Oh man. Sorry to hear you had such a crappy week. Sounds terrible. But also know that you are not alone in those feelings, actions, and thoughts. I think we all go through it at some point. Some more than others. You are an amazing mom, friend, wife, and attorney! Glad you are feeling on the mend today. and you would never know you felt so crappy from that super cute family photo that got posted on FB!
Every mom has no good, really rotten weeks! There is no such thing as a perfect mom. We do our best. I think it is pretty admirable of you to recognize a need for a change of perspective...most people would simply wallow in pity. That's awesome! To be honest, you are juggling a lot. I stay at home all day with my kids, and while that is hard, I get to pick and choose my schedule. You are a working mom, and you have obligations to both work and kids. Don't be too hard on yourself...I'm sure you are a great mom, with really bad, no good, completely rotten days occasionally. We all do, and whoever says they don't, is a stinkin' liar! :)
P.S. I have had a cold all weekend, and my kids have watched movies practically all day for 3 days. And they are none the worse for it!
Oh no! Sorry you had such a rough week. But the sh*tty days make the good ones feel that much better. And you are sooooo not alone in having those down moments on the rollercoaster of parenthood. Now that Josh is working 60 hour weeks, so am I…and it's not pretty! I actually JUST put that Wonder Woman baby shower card you gave me in a picture frame to help me channel my inner Wonder Woman. Whatever works, yo.
Bethy, I so enjoy reading your blog. Like Heidi says, we do our best as parents and we all have moments we aren't too proud of. You and Mylo are great with those little boys and I think you have a terrific little family. I'm so glad you include me in it on a regular basis. It's one of the high points of my life being your mom and finding that you are pretty much my best friend.
Hello. Today I decided to click on the 'next blog' button at the top of my blog. I stumbled upon yours and read this post. It meant something to me. Sometimes I feel like my blog needs to be about the sunshine and happiness that is supposed to be motherhood. The truth is, those days are few and far between. I love a good honest post from a weary mom. So thank you for highlighting that area of motherhood we ALL struggle with! I surely appreciated it.
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